Welp...herpes.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
