well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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