I'm eating all of the evidence.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
