No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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