I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Couch. On fire.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
