4 words: hood of his car
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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