I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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