I just cut my nipple shaving
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
