More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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