I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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