Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
