Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
