i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
