why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I stole a fireplace last night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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