hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
