There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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