You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How does it feel to date your dad?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
