I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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