I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
