He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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