My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
