I'd wear matching sweaters with you
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
