Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
