Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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