I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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