my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
