Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
