I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
