why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize