Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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