I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just sucked dick on a ferry
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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