she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
