Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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