just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
