neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize