He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
