Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i drank out of a bidet.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
