There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
