by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
