If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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