apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
This is the high leading the old right now
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
