WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
