I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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