Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
