Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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