There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize