Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
