ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
