so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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