I have demons in me.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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