i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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