Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
