this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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