i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
